The first thing is not God

by Luis Sokol

I find myself absent in me. But then what did I really find? Or rather, who was the one who found? — later on we can worry about what was found. And also where it was found.

In a word, nothing was found by anyone anywhere. The only thing is imprint. The mark of the first moment I felt I was going to die. I stop being only one and get pierced by a parallel line, which on one side divides me, but it also lets me become distended. I am no longer what I was in the beginning, so I spend my life looking for the origin. But that origin hurts so much that I have to cover it; mainly and at the base, with language. A language which I will use, mostly, to speak to myself. And the first question I pose is: what happened then? — a question with no answer. Then I ask: how do I avoid pain? And the answer, speaking.

So I speak and just like in The Beginning, with word — which seems to come from somewhere indistinguishable for I don’t know the origin and for me it seems eternal- I create. I create myself. I come up with my own origin because I can’t comprehend mine. And nevertheless I keep searching because I have to find a way to answer my questions. I engrave, then, a body where I can find anything; then I speak that something which must be found to finally, with it as a base, create someone who can actually find.

I am that which emerges last, but the first thing is not god. It seems that prior it is me also who appears; an unbearable me for I am unable to speak it. I don’t know what I am, where I am or who is thinking all of this. But I am able to say I find myself absent in me, because there is a me prior to the imprint or a me who is born with the arch imprint which then covers god. But to be able to cover something, another thing must exist.

Here is where I find my limit.

In a primal melancholie.

In an aporia of my own self pierced by that which is not original.

In a I am hidden from myself.

In a I am not because I can’t find myself.

In a I differentiate myself because I need to, but also because I was priorly differentiated.

In a I generate myself because I have to believe in something.

In a I am because I search myself.

In a I am not, but I don’t banish.

In a fault.

In an encounter.

In a word.

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